The Test

I should've update my blog a long long time ago.... But I couldn't take out any courage from my heart to tell... Because I'm scared, I'm afraid....

I think this will be the only ONCE that this will happen in my life, in fact, this incident will change all the paths in my life... I can't make any choices like before, like who I am last time... You know why?

Because I'm pregnant.... certified!!

For one and a half months, my period didn't come.... I was afraid, afraid to admit and face the truth, so I didn't do any pregnancy test until 15th of February, the day after Valentine's. I went to Watson with Bun, and bought the pregnancy tester... Immediately make the test after reach home...

If you're not pregnant, there'll be only one colour band, at the C side, if you're pregnant, there'll be two colour band, both at the C and the T side.... And after wait for few seconds, I saw there's colour band at the T side... and then slowly, C side's colour band appears too... I couldn't find any words to describe my feelings that time... I just couldn't.... I can't even tell the result to bun by mouth. I'm stunned by the result (Although I already make alot of mentality preparation to accept this...) and I just couldn't speak... But I didn't cry...

And then, me and Bun had a REAL long talk for this. I know, somehow, he doesn't want this little baby inside of me. And yes, that's a very rational kind of decision because firstly, I'm still under age, I haven't complete my study and I'm not from rich family. Second, Bun just graduate, haven't search for jobs yet since it's Chinese New Year period and yes, the main thing, he's not from rich family too. Apparently, we don't have any preparation to accept the birth of this little baby and we're kinda facing financial problem too... Maybe not now, maybe real soon after we spend all those chinese new year ang pow's money.

During the talk, whenever I think of taking out the baby out from me, I just couldn't stop myself from crying... I can't even dare to imagine that kind of image when the operation is going on and they're going to kill a small life that is innocent.... Yes, I'm guilty, I'm guilty to brought this little baby to this world and have him/her to face this kind of cruel decision...

I cried like so broken hearted, I don't want this to happen, I don't want to be guilty and regret my whole life because I've done such cruel thing to an innocent life that this life is 100% related to me... But after the long talk, the decision is made:
Go to the maternity clinic do a sound wave check 1st then only make the important decision whether to or not to do the abortion operation....

Somehow, this decision makes me feel a bit calm, at least... I can still hold on to this baby's life for few more days....

Monday, 18th of February, I went to this maternity clinic near my house, that time was around 8pm, I feel like giving up to go. I don't dare to face anyone... Especially the doctor and nurses and people whom I don't know and don't wish to know... But still, we're stuck in the middle of no decision... So, I have to go...

Firstly, I told the doctor I didn't had my period for one and a half months ( Due to my calculation it's suppose to be one and a half months, because the last time I had my period is Christmas Eve!) and I suspect that I'm pregnant... Without saying anything, the doctor told me to lie down at the bed over the corner and he's going to do the sound wave check for me... I was so nervous... And the moment I saw the monitor, the image, I just couldn't resist my tears from falling down.

The doctor say the baby is far more bigger than one month and a half, after check, the baby is 14 weeks and 3 days big, means 3 and a half months. The baby have well developed brain, fingers, spine all are there... Look more and more like human... I keep on crying when the doctor keep on describing... The doctor even open the sound system to let me hear the baby's heart beat... very fast... like a normal small baby...

After the check, I asked the doctor, how come I suffer from period when I was pregnant that time? (My last period was at Xmas eve right? The pregnancy date was at 15th of November!! Far more than what I expect...) Doctor said some woman will have their period even though they're pregnant, just the colour of the blood is slightly different from usual... I just keep on silence after listen to that, doctor decided to give me vitamins pills since this is my 1st check, and ask is there any questions... and Bun finally asked...

Is that impossible to do any abortion now since the baby is kinda big now? The doctor asked why wanna do abortion? You should've be careful if you're not ready to have a baby.... There's alot of safety method for intercourse use, condoms, pills... Should be more careful... Haihz... If you insist the operation, there's still possibilities... The cost is around RM1400, include the scanning fees just now... If you made decision, please come to the clinic early in the morning in the day or two... If you do not appear, we'll think that you wanna keep the baby...

When I come out from the consultation room... I just couldn't think of anything... I couldn't speak, couldn't face all those strangers, I just wanna go home......

After pay RM75 for the sound wave check fees, I just wanna go home... Even though I haven't have my lunch... Bun was scared, he saw me as I was locking myself up, try not to fall apart... Yes, I tried so hard to not to fall apart... In this whole world, who ever know I was enduring the biggest pain of my life... Cry is the only solution for me that time. I cried because I'm lost in my life, not knowing where am I standing and where am I heading... Things weren't so easy...

That night, I got no appetite, inside my mind, the baby's image keep on appearing... I can see his/her face so clearly, body and everything so well function... I was wondering, If what I see today is just a small balloon kind of thing which also means only one and a half month will the decision be more easy to made? I don't know, because we've already pass the time... and there's no turning back... Each and every second the baby is growing, what am I suppose to do? Kill him/her? Or kill mine and Bun's future?

Bun asked his friend to borrow him RM1000... Yes, I know somehow deep inside his heart there's a selfish decision been made, he don't want the baby... I understand why, but I couldn't accept it with an open heart... That will mean murder too right? Dillemma for a whole night... I wish to follow Bun's decision rationally, but my maternity instinct tells me it's a very wrong decision, very, very wrong decision that it will cost my whole life to pay... Because I kill...

Whole night listening to Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven, think of any solution that can be made without killing, no, no way out, what only I can do is just cry... Until 5am... It's time to sleep if wanna go to clinic, Bun say no need... No need go to clinic already.... Until then, only I dare to fall asleep...

The next day was a very low tone day... Both of us couldn't laugh, talk... Just can stare at the computer watching movies, but thoughts flying... This night, same as the night before, was a suffering night because need to make a very crucial decision.... Tomorrow morning, to go or not to go... But 1 something in the middle of the night, Bun say no need go already... Because his friend haven't bank in money for him... Bun say he only give himself 2 days to think and wait, no means no need do the operation already... My heart was calm after hear what he say... But look at him, so sad, so lost, I know, in the future, once this decision is made, there'll be no more comfortable road to walk, we have to hold our hands together and go through all the hardships and circumstances together...

After one week the decision is made, I'm still sitting here, typing this post... Haven't tell any other people yet... I even still keeping this secret from my parents... We're trying to find a good timing to tell... So have to be patient... But now, the baby inside me learned how to kick and move around already... I talk to the baby everyday, touch my tummy so the baby can feel that I'm touching him/her... The feeling is so amazing... Hope everything in the future can be more and more better for the 3 of us to cope through....